An Abundance of Katherines

There are some things in life that are simply pillars of your cognitive functions. Stuff so deeply engrained into you that you're not even aware it's engrained. Things like your infant memories, or a book you read in the middle of complete teen angst. They molded you into who you are today, and I believe they are extremely important to know and remember. What are you if not knowledge?

In the case of Colin, our protagonist, this thing is his First Katherine.

And, in the case of me, your narrator, that thing is An Abudance of Katherines (AAK).

Context pertaining to the book's release, kind of like a meta synopsis or an ID?

AAK is a book published in 2006 by John Green, Hank Green's brother. Yes, __that__ Hank Green. Dude is high profile. Originally, I wanted to make a full review series covering every book, but, oh my God, I do not care about any of John Green's books, other than Turtles All The Way Down, and AAK. They're not bad, just not as.. striking, I suppose? I couldn't put myself in the main character's shoes, which was the most important part of these books to angsty teen me.

 

 

Synposis. I know words! I'm vocabulated!

Colin is a child prodigy. Like a majority of child prodigies, he can *learn*, but not *discover*. There is a nuance in being gifted and being a genie. Colin knows this. He puts a point of honor on it. Outside of the Katherines, this is his defining traits. He is gifted, talented enough to learn anything that is taught, but not talented enough to discover anything that may get taught to future generations. He has one main philosophy about the world; there exists two groups of people, the Dumpees, and the Dumpers. Self-explainable names. Basically he's convinced he's a loser. If a car were to barrel in his direction he would not twitch a single muscle and just accept it. He is notably, ridiculously, autistic. The book doesn't even try to hide it. It never explicitely uses the word, but you would need some serious brainpower to come to the conclusion that he is NOT autistic. As an asides, writing non-heteronormative and non-neurotypical characters is probably what John Green does best. You read these books, and you're like, wow, these characters have ISSUES. Keep in mind this is in 2006. Dude was two fucking decades ahead. Bless him. 

 

His best friend is a fat dude named Hasan. Cracks jokes. Loves watching Judge Judy. There is literally nothing else to say about Hasan. He is the goofy sidekick character. Every John Green story has one of those. Alongside a Named Vehicle. In this story, it's the "Corbillard de Satan". I read these books in French, and you will simply have to accept that. 

 

Anyways, Colin is in love with girls named Katherine. Like, exclusively the name. Complete fucking nutcase. I will not even bother trying to describe every single Katherine, and how they broke up with Colin. Your job as a reader is to read the goddamn, book! So he's at his 19th Katherine, and they broke up. A literal quote from the book, describing how he felt after she broke up with him: He felt a tremendous need to get [his parents] out of his room immediately, like if they didn’t leave he would blow up. Literally. Guts on the walls; his prodigious brain emptied out onto his bedspread." Sometimes, I feel like a ticking bomb. It's gotten better with time, but I felt it a lot growing up. When I first came across this line, on page 10-something of the book, I knew I found something good. By the way I bothered to look up the english phrasing for this since it's important contextually and I know the few who are gonna even read this review won't care enough to read AAK. Even though you really should.

 

Hasan decides Colin needs get the fuck on and convinces him to go on a roadtrip. The concept of a roadtrip is so disgustingly American. Drive so much. Eat greasy food off the side of the road. Be in the middle of the scorching desert constantly. Consume. So. Much. Oil. Disgustingly American. Anyways, Colin and Hasan ride the "Corbillard de Satan" to nowhere. Until they find something interesting and a girl named Lindsey. You've already guessed this, Colin and Lindsey hook up by the end of this book. Colin could've at least found a 20th Katherine. End on a nice number. He's not putting a lot of effort into this, and I am disappointed. Quote from the book: "That’s why people grow weary of listening to Dumpees obsess over their troubles: getting dumped is predictable, repetitive, and boring. They want to stay friends; they feel smothered; it’s always them and it’s never you; and afterward, you’re devastated and they’re relieved; it’s over for them and just starting for you. And to Colin’s mind, at least, there was a deeper repetition: each time, Katherines dumped him because they just didn’t like him. They each came to precisely the same conclusion about him. He wasn’t cool enough or good-looking enough or as smart as they’d hoped— in short, he didn’t matter enough. And so it happened to him again and again, until it was boring. But monotony doesn’t make for painlessness. In the first century CE, Roman authorities punished St. Apollonia by crushing her teeth one by one with pliers. Colin often thought about this in relationship to the monotony of dumping: we have thirty-two teeth. After a while, having each tooth individually destroyed probably gets repetitive, even dull. But it never stops hurting." It never stops hurting. Over and over, again and again.

 

Skipping ahead a few hundred pages, hilarities ensue. I should note by now that a huge part of these books is the slapstick. I love absolutely every single dialogue. They are for the most part really funny. Naturally, I can't transcribe every single joke into one blog. This means you have to read the damn book. Please do that! Colin believes he found a theorem to succesfully predict the outcome of every single romantic relationship. This idea is laughable to his friends, which very much are assholes, all in all. Damn. The book describes Colin's childhood years. Extremely relatable. As far as I'm concerned, I am quite literally Colin. Except for the romance. I have never been able to relate to that. I've always suspected I'm something of an aromantic, but I can't prove that. How can I be certain I just haven't found the person I truly love yet? Getting sidetracked here. So, Colin tries to finish his theorem. His training data is every single Katherine encounter. The quote for this part will be at the very bottom of the page, as a picture. If anything, I beg you to at least read that picture. Such an intricate and visceral exchange. This is multiple decades of Lou history in a screenshot. Please read it. What happened, indeed.

 

More time passes, Colin throws his theorem away. The story ends with Colin having a new girlfriend and an old best friend. They literally drive off into the sunset with the "Corbillard de Satan". I skipped over tons of good bits. The whole book is extremely enjoyable, I highly recommend you read it!!!!!!!! This is where the story ends. But I don't. This thought used to deeply trouble me. What was I meant to do? Over time, I realized the answer was, quite literally, in the book. AAK is a book primarily about change. Outside of everything else, people change. Colin breaks his age-old neurotism. He is able to change past himself. Last words of the book: "They’d just driven past the General Store when Hassan said, “We don’t have to go to Hardee’s, really. We could go anywhere.” “Oh good because I really don’t want to go to Hardee’s,” Lindsey said. “It’s sort of horrible. There’s a Wendy’s two exits down the interstate, in Milan. Wendy’s is way better. They have, like, salads.” So Colin drove past the Hardee’s and out onto the interstate headed north. As the staggered lines rushed past him, he thought about the space between what we remember and what happened, the space between what we predict and what will happen. And in that space, Colin thought, there was room enough to reinvent himself—room enough to make himself into something other than a prodigy, to remake his story better and different— room enough to be reborn again and again. A snake killer, an Archduke, a slayer of TOCs—a genius, even. There was room enough to be anyone— anyone except whom he’d already been, for if Colin had learned one thing from Gutshot, it’s that you can’t stop the future from coming. And for the first time in his life, he smiled thinking about the always-coming infinite future stretching out before him. And they drove on. Lindsey turned to Colin and said, “You know, we could just keep going. We don’t have to stop.” Hassan in the back leaned forward between the seats and said, “Yeah. Yeah. Let’s just keep driving for a while.” Colin pressed down hard on the accelerator, and he was thinking of all the places they might go, and all the days left in their summer. Beside him, Lindsey Lee Wells’s fingers were on his forearm, and she was saying, “Yeah. God. We could, couldn’t we? We could just keep going.”" There stood the most beautiful truth. I simply have to keep going. This book is so important to me. I'm sorry if it doesn't come across through the blog, but it does. This book taught me many things. But, most importantly of all, I had fun. 

 

Oh my God. This is a very last minute addition. I just realized that if this beautiful book ever were to get disgraced by a TV show or, god forbid, an HBO Max eclusive movie (not pointing any fingers here.. OK, maybe one), they would have just made Colin into Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. This would upset me greatly. Thankfully this hasn't happened with another one of my beloved John Green books.